so be it. not gonna care about that anymore.





~what have I done?~

I think as an NCO, you need to be able to do 2 things: sacrifice and pretence.

Why sacrifice? When your cadets and everyone else is enjoying themselves, chaos usually reigns behind the scenes. Who makes sure the chaos does not go out of hand? NCOs. And it's really tiring. It might seem easy to be in charge of an activity. After all, as the cadets see it, you do not take part in the 'stupid' or random or crazily difficult activities. What cadets don't see is what is being done behind the scenes. All those chairs, all those benches, all those puzzles they are fiddling with right now are all done by the NCOs.

As an NCO, your job is ultimately to take care of the little kiddes (cadets) and ensure the activity runs smoothly. Sounds easy on paper, but not so when you really try to do it. So sacrifice. You ignore pain, sweat, fatigue to ensure the programme is on time, the thing next has been prepared, and cadets are having fun/being disciplined. It's not easy. It's not fun. But you know you have to do it.

And as an NCO, you have to put up a pretence, especially in front of cadets. Even when rushing to get things done behind the scene, a sense of professionalism must always be present. To everyone else, things always seem fine. It is a reassurance to cadets, and your committee members. And that's another skill that's eays to write on paper, but something super super super difficult to master or grasp.

Why do I keep denying myself that I have feelings? Why do I keep building this wall around me, this shell around me, distancing myself from others? 

Are those feeling real? Or just an illusion of my crazed mind (yea, I'm insane)?

Just back from UK.  Had a wonderful time there. Dale Fort was a really relaxing place and Pembrokshire itself was really great too. Hope to go back there someday... instead of the hustle and bustle of city life.

I guess I learnt some stuff through the fieldwork we did, but i think the pace of learning there is pretty slow. They pretty much give us all the answers and most of the worksheets are just fill-in-the-blanks. I had alot of fun with my friends though. We explored alot around the area, such as the old bunker with the fantastic view and all the funny side paths. 

London is a beautiful city too, just that it has more filth compared to Singapore. The architecture there is so grand. And i should have spent more at Oxford street. oh well. I will just buy more in US. 500 more dollars to spend! haha I sound like such a shopping-deprived kid.

I think we should have spent more time at Dale Fort though. The fieldwork there is quite enjoyable, I love the environment there. 1 more day at London would have been perfect too, since our visits to certain places like the Tower of London was so rushed. (and I wouldn't mind more time at Oxford street lol)

Time to catch up on work though...