The paper chase... I don't even have the decency to go and talk to the person after she shouted my name across the field anymore... what have I become...

What can I do when thoughts of her once distracted me so much...

GP compre was disastrous.

Third time in my life I feel like an utter failure. Absolute total failure. Can't even meet the minimum requirements... so damn lousy.

It always seems like everytime I'm down, it's always friends that console me and my closest ones, my parents, that put me down. Every time I do well in anything there's no response or an "you should do even better", and when I do badly it's a "why did you do so badly?" There's never any encouragement, never any simple words like " you did well", or even a cursory "great job". Just looks of disapproval.

Guess it's just another life's lesson. That going to your family for support is a big fat lie. That you should just ignore their cruel words and focus on yourself. Cos ultimately, I'm living for myself, not them. I just need to come to terms with this hard fact.

Don't know why I suddenly feel like blogging today. Haven't written much in ages... yet so much has happened during this time. The constant paper chase, which I seem to fail so badly at, all those false pretenses and fake smiles, and all the fleeting yet meaningful moments when I feel that I am actually helping people.

I sometimes wonder why I do things. I'm too impulsive, too visceral for my liking. Should use my brain more often.

I'm starting to feel more and more jaded, more and more tired of everything that's going on. No one and nothing really excites me anymore. Is it really that hard to find someone I can really talk to? Guess that's the problem with introverts. Our social circles are too small that the chances of finding even someone to connect on a slightly deeper level is so damn low.

SATs 1 again tomorrow. Let's hope that I don't screw up yet another thing.