I think one of the most applicable things being in the army teaches you is to really treasure time you have to yourself. Time is passing so quickly as I catch a breather at home. sigh.

Finally declined the offers from Berkeley and UCLA. It's kinda weird for me to click those buttons on the screens, because questions like "what if I enrolled?" kept popping up in my mind. Guess I'm just not fated to go to those unis. 

Things are going slightly than I expected just over a year ago. Fretting over As, unis, SATs, internships, interviews and all that other stuff seem so distant now. I think luck plays a huge role in this is so called success, but I believe learning from my failures was more important.

I guess jc life wasn't as smooth sailing as in secondary school, and I had my fair share of disappointments. It's quite crushing when you see yourself doing such a bad job and you feel so helpless because you don't know how to improve. I guess that's why people feel sad (if not for me at least). The sadness does not come from the outcome, but from not knowing why it happened when you think you have done your best.

But that's just part of the learning process in life. It is this sadness that makes us keep trying, or crush us badly until we eventually get back up. It is because of this that I kept reflecting on my own actions, and asked others on how to improve. Most advice I received was utter rubbish, but separating the chaff from the wheat is another life skill I needed to hone anyway I guess. 

Life is a marathon, you may start off earlier, or at a faster pace, but ultimately where you end up depends on how long you want to keep running. So is the key to keep running, even when your running technique is not optimum, or to continuously search for the best method of running, even if it slows you down in the short term, so that you have chance of ending up further away from the start point in the end? I don't know. I'm just 19. Guess I will just keep running at my own pace, and stick to my own goals and principles, and not care about what others do, whether they are overtaking me or not, for they do not and will not affect how I live my life.

Except in army though. For it is a desolate place that takes away freedom from people at the prime of their lives, who could be out there in the world doing so much more.

So postings were out a few days ago, and as with everything else, some people are sad because of their fate, and others elated. It's such an arbitrary thing really, something most of us have little control of, given the multitude of factors in play. Yet people still blame themselves (and others) when things do not go their way.

It's always slightly heartbreaking for me when friends tell me they are sad about what happened. I feel helpless. I have little clue on how to help them, for I am a mere naive 19 year old. In the end, it's always the same few clichéd words or phrases that get repeated. I don't know if I'm really helping them, or even consoling them. 

Ah well. Sometimes we shouldn't take it so hard on ourselves when things don't go our way. But maybe I'm too accustomed to personal success (I think I've had my fair share over the years) that I do not know the full repercussions of that mindset.

In the end, I am personally happy with my posting. Other may not be, my dad included, but it doesn't matter I guess. It's not like I live to please others anyway. I just need to live up to my own expectations, and that's good enough for me.

How can you see the big picture if you aren't even part of it?