One paper down. I don't feel as stressed as I was for my past exams. Is it because I feel well-prepared, or because I know that my masters' isn't really conditional on my grades (just a 2.1...)?

No idea. Feeling at peace right now in any case, so that's great.

Maybe all it takes is a haircut to make you look better, feel better and do better.

Sometimes you realised you screwed up, and then you become down and disappointed in yourself. But then you realise it isn't so bad after all, and you can live with those mistakes. After all, you can't turn back time, and those decisions you made were what you thought were best at that point in time.

So no use fretting over the past. What's done is done. All I have to do is remain hopeful for the future and move on. Because tomorrow's a better day, and I'm going to live it to the fullest rather than mopping about things I did or didn't do.

Heartbreak is such a strange emotion. When you ask yourself if you would have done anything differently, the answer is often no. But should you have? That constantly nagging thought is what makes such things so hard to get over.

Oh well. Guess it's not the first time.

All things must come to an end.

The past few weeks have been pretty hectic, and I was really loss as to what I wanted to do in the next year or two (after graduating(!)). But I'm really glad that everything is slowly falling into place once again, and the only thing I really have to focus on are four exam papers...

Honestly feeling really ambivalent about graduating. On the one hand, university has been really and exciting, where I've tried to travel the world as much as I could, make new friends (not the best at it but I try sometimes) and learn new stuff. But at the same time Cambridge terms are just so packed that the work becomes a pain and your enthusiasm is slowly drained, so I'm quite glad to be graduating. Will definitely miss all my friends here though, but at the same time quite excited/nervous about how life will be like in NY in a few months. 

I guess like my dad always tells me, everything has to come to an end and the only thing you can do is to find closure. I guess I will just have to do my best in these last few weeks (!!), and try to get a good grade.

Pretty excited to go back to Singapore too, even if will only be for a short two months (why do academic years in the US start so early?). 

So many things I want to do, and so little time. And I'm kinda running out of money too after splurging on the Peru trip, so I guess I will have to add 'too little money' the list. Sighpie.

Waking up

Just took a nap because my mind has been in a fog lately - I'm at a loss, not knowing what to do, what to prioritise and just generally wasting my time away.

But that half an hour really cleared it all up. Maybe it was the things I dreamt of, which were so ridiculously inconsequential that made me realise what I needed to be focusing on instead, and who I should stop thinking and caring about so much.

The paper chase seems to be such a long and never ending journey, one that seems fruitless, and yet holds so much promise. The allure of new places, experiences, friends and yet the futility of a hectic life since we all turn to dust eventually...

But I guess I can think about that when I have less things to do and stress about.

On the other hand, I feel like sometimes I overestimate myself and try too hard. I guess I just have to learn to let go some things that aren't meant to be. It's been an enjoyable time but I guess it's time to have realistic expectations about how things will end up.

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

全都怪我
不該沉默時沉默 該勇敢時軟弱
如果不是我 誤會自己灑脫 讓我們難過

Sonder

n. the realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

I like the walks I take to and from my lectures. In Singapore, I often just take the MRT to wherever I want to go and retreat into the small world of my mobile phone. 

It is wonderful to walk around, breathe in some fresh air, and notice how other people are doing. That's the best part. Although I walk fast (probably faster than 90% of the people here), I take the effort to observe those around me.

That lady in front smiling - perhaps a promotion, her wedding anniversary, her husband successfully battling cancer?

That man frowning - stress from work, early onset of clinical depression, or just naturally grumpy?

That tourist taking a photo of my college - just as a keepsake or to spur his child on to come to study here?

I don't know. I guess imagining what others are thinking just lets my mind wander for a while, a brief respite from the mundanity of everyday life.

If you do not stand up to injustice, it's not because you are patient. You have just become accustomed to fear.

If I were a question, would you be my answer?

Maybe because I've lived a pretty smooth-sailing and sheltered life so far that it has made me treat each failure too seriously. Need to start taking things in my stride.

I guess being bold won't always pay off. But all we can do is continue moving forward while being true to ourselves.

'The art of economics consists in looking not merely at the immediate hut at the longer effects of any act or policy; it consists in tracing the consequences of that policy not merely for one group but for all groups.' - Hazlitt, 1946.

Well put, but that can be said for any action we take in life.

You can't have your cake and eat it. I don't know why people keep on fruitlessly trying to do so.

Can I run and hide
I’m stuck inside my memories
Step away from time
take me to a place
where I will never grow old
I’m tired everyday
I’m thirsty for the rain

'I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we are mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.' - Achilles

If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.

When you are having three different conversations with the same person on three different apps #complicated

"Almost perfect...but not quite."

Still remember this poem which was copied into my journal by my P4 form teacher.

The pursuit for perfection may be futile, but there's little challenge to life if one does not even try right?