The paper chase... I don't even have the decency to go and talk to the person after she shouted my name across the field anymore... what have I become...

What can I do when thoughts of her once distracted me so much...

GP compre was disastrous.

Third time in my life I feel like an utter failure. Absolute total failure. Can't even meet the minimum requirements... so damn lousy.

It always seems like everytime I'm down, it's always friends that console me and my closest ones, my parents, that put me down. Every time I do well in anything there's no response or an "you should do even better", and when I do badly it's a "why did you do so badly?" There's never any encouragement, never any simple words like " you did well", or even a cursory "great job". Just looks of disapproval.

Guess it's just another life's lesson. That going to your family for support is a big fat lie. That you should just ignore their cruel words and focus on yourself. Cos ultimately, I'm living for myself, not them. I just need to come to terms with this hard fact.

Don't know why I suddenly feel like blogging today. Haven't written much in ages... yet so much has happened during this time. The constant paper chase, which I seem to fail so badly at, all those false pretenses and fake smiles, and all the fleeting yet meaningful moments when I feel that I am actually helping people.

I sometimes wonder why I do things. I'm too impulsive, too visceral for my liking. Should use my brain more often.

I'm starting to feel more and more jaded, more and more tired of everything that's going on. No one and nothing really excites me anymore. Is it really that hard to find someone I can really talk to? Guess that's the problem with introverts. Our social circles are too small that the chances of finding even someone to connect on a slightly deeper level is so damn low.

SATs 1 again tomorrow. Let's hope that I don't screw up yet another thing.

Slightly less than a year ago and I wouldn't have let myself forget what falls on this day.

This is song is so old yet so awesome

I suddenly had the urge to go through all my emails from 2006. Those 3678 emails that I didn't bother to sort out according to folders. And I realised how much of an asshole I was, how much of a slacker I was, and how flawed I was through Yr 1-4 (not so much JC 'cause I filed most of the emails I got so nvr saw them haha).

And I've got many random emails: from like Jason telling me to donate some biscuits if not we will get screwed from trng, to people raging at me, to Ivan being a retard and (almost) screwing up our first project together (which I obviously saved), and to people sending me encouraging emails, telling me to push on no matter how incompetent I was at that time. And of course, lots of chain emails about dumb things.

Those emails are just mere words but they bring back so many memories, whether good or bad ones.


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And I spent too much time on this. Back to bio. sigh why must there be a lecture test on Tues argh

Don't even know why I try. Always looking at the damn ipad playing some childish and stupid game. It's like she has no concern over my future or my life. Forget it. I give up making the effort to connect.