Went to read my old blog posts. I sound so different in them. People really grow so quickly in a year. I rant too much on my blog it seems haha. Even I can't take myself looking at the archive.

but it's time to stop looking back at the past, and start focusing on the present and future. I think I live too much in the past. Time to let go.

__

Couples. Relationships. Something is always present on a teenager's mind. bleh. Even though I don't want to, I always seem to feel a little sad and lonely when I see all those happy couples when I'm out. nvm can't think too much about these kind of stuff, it makes you go nuts after a while.

Need to focus on bio right now. Priorities.

got into bioO second round. Now I have to start brushing up on all my bio stuff and can't seem to get motivated enough to do so...sian where did my drive gooo

I need to start my engines running again. Just looked at the holiday homework for math and I can't even d the first question (serious!) sigh. And there's bio tutorial I haven't collected from school. And there's so much more stuff coming up.

siannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn so many things to do, yet so reluctant to do them

I always seem to want to blog just before I go to bed. A flurry of thoughts always come to my mind, and after a day, they become all lost.

I never liked community service at first. Service in Secondary 1 was awkward, really awkward. I mean, for stuff like newspaper collections it was fine, but when it came to visits to homes... I could barely say a few sentences while my seniors constantly prodded me to interact. I just didn't know what to say. It was difficult for an introvert to suddenly just interact with strangers you might never meet again.

I guess I really started enjoying home visits in sec 3 or 4. I remember having to teach elderly how to do first aid or sth. I was in charge of a small group, and after a while I was teaching this old lady and we started conversing, me clumsily with my lousy Mandarin. And I realised I didn't have to do much of the speaking. These people didn't need to learn lifeskills; they probably know so much more than secondary school kids... What they needed was a pair of listening ears.

I always feel a little sad when this incident crosses my mind. She told me about how she ended up at the home, waiting for her sister to come get her out "after earning enough money", and how she hasn't seen family in like 20 years (and probably never will ever again).

There are some many people like her in Singapore, and so many in worse plights, and too many of us don't see this. Our government really hides poverty well, with HDB flats everywhere, and possibly one of the few (or only) country in the world without a slum. Is that why the campaign to get youth into the "spirit of volunteerism" failing?

When I was young, my family used to donate during those charity tv shows. Then the NKF and Ren Ci scandal came along and it really shook our belief that we were helping those people. And too many students (including me sometimes) think of CIP hours as just another way of bolstering your CV.

Something's really broken in the system. Something that has to be fixed soon.

I watch way too much kpop related stuff.

The worst feeling isn't when you are lonely, it's when you are forgotten by someone you'd never forget.

There is only so much you can do about certain things. It's time I give up and no harbour wishful hopes.

You build up hope but failure is all you've known.

I don't even know why I like this song and mv so much.

Everything seems to be falling in place, and yet falling apart... sigh. so this is what you get when you don't study for a subject for promos lol. meh

fml.

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." - Albert Einstein

This year is such a bad year. Everyone seems to be out to get me.

time is a man-made commodity.

time's running out. Everything's coming crashing down yet again.

gg x.x

Feeling great. It's one of those times when you just sit down and settle your thoughts. No more turmoil in the mind and heart. Let's do this.

I need a someone who can understand me and someone who I can talk to freely. Is that why people talk to themselves so much? I don't know. Feeling so stuffed up. Guess I will just have to continue sticking to talking to myself, for I'm probably the only person that is willing to take the time to understand me.

wah jialat now I really don't know whether I'm an ISFJ or INTJ

My grades are like a stuttering child trying to recite the alphabet. A-A-A-B-C.

One of the hardest decisions in life is to choose whether to walk away or try harder.

Man I'm too easily smitten.

Titanium

You shout it out,
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

Cut me down
But it's you who have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much.....

It's okay to be sad when life doesn't go as planned. I think those who are truly successful don't "work hard and tirelessly" to achieve their success. That's bs. They work smart, not hard. And that's something I'm trying to get to. Work efficiently, not spam and hope everything works out.

Am I the only weird person who gets flashbacks of embarrassing/facepalm and failure moments? meh. At least they are a constant reminder of what I have to change to become a better person and not stay stagnant.

I've been asked many times what I want to be, and what my dream is. I think I might have finally gotten it. I want to be someone where people will remember me as someone who left the world with no regrets.


...the three paras above don't link at all...my thoughts are getting more jumbled up as days go by......

So my exams finally ended. Who knew taking just 4 exams would be way more draining than taking 6 in Secondary school... dammit I rather do sec 4 eoys all over again. First time I spent 3 weeks studying for an exam, and it's only worth 15% of the year. pfft.

Is it really worth it to spend so much time on it? I've heard many saying that results aren't that important...the best part is to enjoy the process...but ultimately isn't everyone just gonna look back in your school days and look at your grades? I don't see how someone will be hired just by saying he enjoyed his time thoroughly in school.

And I might be mistaken, but the whole exam system is quite full of flaws. I've never actually failed a test that's counted before in my life, and if I try hard enough I get good enough results (to satisfy myself, my parents don't seem to care that much lol). But it seems to reward hard work more than anything else. Hell, if I spent an hour or two everyday studying/doing homework I would probably get better results. It's just that I get lazy, buck up just before the exam, and then proceed to forget everything until the next exam comes along. I mean, even if I did reasonably well for any exam, say math, it doesn't mean I'm good in math. I just put in the effort to understand the format of the exam and how to answer the permutations of questions they will throw at you. If I took some general math test, I'd probably fail if I didn't study for it. Getting good grades in a subject doesn't prove your aptitude in that subject at all imo.

So if it doesn't prove anything why the heck are the grades even used to judge us for scholarships, jobs and all the random opportunities that come our way? The only they tell about a person is whether he put in the effort. I know there are few who do their best and get sub par grades; but I still believe with the right guidance and hard work everyone should get what they want.

I don't know. The more exams I go through, the more cramming and mugging cycles I go through, it seems like the whole affair just seems to have less and less meaning. And I still have some major, apparently 'life-changing' A levels to study for.

Sigh. Just becoming another jaded teenager who has had too much of the education system.

你怎么舍得我难过

对你的思念是一天又一天, 
孤单的我还是没有改变, 
美丽的梦何时才能出现, 
亲爱的你好想再见你一面. 
秋天的风一阵阵地吹过, 
想起了去年的这个时候, 
你的心到底在想些什么, 
为什么留下这个结局让我承受. 
最爱你的人是我, 
你怎么舍得我难过, 
在我最需要你的时候 
没有一句话就走, 
最爱你的人是我, 
你怎么舍得我难过, 
对你付出了这么多 
你却没有感动过.

I was looking out of the window at the sunset while the car was moving...and I realised it was so beautiful. The wispy clouds (probably cirrus...) and the sunset is something I don't usually notice. Especially in Singapore. The only way I usually relieve stress is through spending my time on the net, with other things like parks and nature and even just moving my lazy butt and going out all forgotten... pssh.

And on the way back from dinner I was looking at a blinking light in the sky and I thought it was an aeroplane...  and it turned out to be a star. and that's when I started to notice other faint stars in the sky too. I usually just see an empty sky due to the huge light pollution of Singapore. It's really such a waste, especially when like half the streetlights can be turned off (like alternate street lights) to save energy and possibly to let us see stars better.

pfft. We don't have picnics cos it's too hot in the day, we don't go to the parks cos it's usually too humid, and we don't even stargaze cos there's little/no stars to see anyway.

Singapore is definitely a really beautiful city.

haha what a cute couple man. "Go save up your money and buy that car/motorcycle!" "By the time I save up that amount your bus would be here!" naiseeee

work and revision is piling up again. pssh. time to finish geog and focus on math and bioooo

I seem to keep going back to oldies. brings me back to my early childhood when I used to listen to these songs O.O

They don't call it a crush for nothing. That fleeting euphoria will eventually catch up with you and crush you mercilessly underfoot. You feel dejected that you didn't take a chance with that oh so special one, like the one who slipped away from the tips of your fingers. You try to run away from your pain. It's like taking painkillers for that ever present nagging ache of your back. It won't solve your problem, but it gives you temporary respite. That ephemeral escape that feels so good.

But it doesn't last. Work and jogs aren't really the ideal solutions to the ailment you have. You tell yourself it's fine, there's more things in life than just that person. Of course there is. Just that everything lost its lustre without that one person in your life. An empty void in your heart, begging to be filled by something, anything.

You move on, painfully at first, but with renewed vigour as you regain momentum. I am indestructible, infallible, invincible, you reassure yourself.

And then you met that someone. Your pulse quickens; have I really met the one? You grow nervous yet excited once again. You quickly tell yourself not to make those fatal mistakes again. It will just be a distraction, making you stray away from the current path you always wanted. Or is it really now? Is it really what you wanted? What about the little chance that you will be together with that person?

You face another crossroads in life. Will you take another leap of faith, across the abyss of despair?

Going crazy.

You were so personal, so easy to understand, and yet sometimes you were so indifferent and cold.

I was supposed to be someone I wasn't to impress you?

What a waste. I thought I found a real friend.

If you want to play it like a game
Well, come on, come on, let's play
Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending
Than have to forget you for one whole minute

So pn was quite a bad show tbh. Oh well. At least I got to talk to my batchmates and had quite a good time.

It was a valiant effort...just that it seemed a little too boring.






what's happening to rirc :/

freedom. in all the words I drown myself in. liberty from the harsh reality.

geog is making me go mad. zeugens, moraines, aretes, hanging valleys, yardangs, grikes, dolines, uvalas, inselbergs......................................................arghhhhhhh

"To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. " Lao Tzu

it's so hard to find someone who understands you and like you just the way you are.

"I am a coward...I hide when I watch horror movies. I'm really scared of heights, and my legs shake when I'm way up high. But the time when I'm really scared, is the time when I don't get to see you."


ha. I guess I haven't found the one who I can say that to.

Go on. Bury yourself in work. It has always been the only thing you do decently in anyways.

I have never put in my very best into something I did in life, probably one of many weaknesses. It's so weird, feeling like giving up so easily after facing a few difficulties. Everytime I looked at how an athlete can keep cool under such immense pressure in a game, or even if he/she lost, kept going and kept telling himself/herself that he/she was gonna win eventually. That kind of perseverance, self-motivation is something I see myself starting to lack even more and more.

Is it just fatigue? Or just that it's so easy to give up and move on? I laughed at how JW gave up so easily. I guess I'm no better, if not worse. So what if your heart hurts? You never had any right to say anything anyway.

Life's great.

time to focus, not to be distracted.

so I gather from my belated birthday card from my class (thanks! :D) that I'm funny, sincere and gay -.- pffft image bad ttm T.T haha

lots of stuff to post.

got my geog prize again. 3 years out of 4. not bad...but always 2nd zz. dam lame.
I've always thought that my profiling of ISFJ was wrong, that I was an ISTJ. I guess that I really do use my feelings to decide more than my thoughts, though I still tend to rationalise things alot (argh personality conflict!). It's like how education wants to make you a rational being while I just want to just do what I feel. pfft.

Apparently SFs are background leaders...I guess that means saigang warriors haha. shit.

Ms Ang, my GP teacher analysed my signature yesterday and said that I was a conflicted (again!T.T) in terms of how I feel about my family, cos I am thankful that they do so much for me, yet sometimes feel that they are holding me back a little. And the fact that I don't like people knowing my thought processes (dam true :O) and just want people to know what's the final decision I make.

Handwriting analysis is scary man. sia la.





Right now I'm still conflicted about it. sigh complicated. why are you so dumb

bored to death mugging bio and chem. I need to talk. to real people. not myself.

I realise I tend to talk to myself alot in my head. die liao going insane haha

Thursday's OG outing was super fun. Time passes too fast in the holidays dammit. Went to jiaxing's house to lepak, and the house was freaking huge haha (though on hindsight, it should be the same size as my house, after clearing all the clutter oops). Block catching, halo, project gotham racing, wii and cards with our usual murderer    really made my day. Especially the green star thing and uber nice choccake for my bday! haha thanks kibs ivan and mengmeng for their hardwork making the star, and jiaxing for keeping (and probably eating) the remaining half of the cake xP BUT I didn't like the caking part tbh. haha spoilsport sia. too bad. To me it's a waste of food to smear precious delicious cake onto someone's face X.X

Isn't it quite sad that this is like one of the few times friends actually celebrate my birthday >.< I think I alr posted about this a few days ago... still sad though.

Haha I really think my OG is awesome! All the other OGs are (more or less) dead liao. At least ours still meets up... 

Chem is killing me. topic 1 seems easy until I try the questions and go wtf. So dead for the lecture test on Monday. 

And I haven't mugged bio yet. huge topic on biomolecules. shit......

And geog homework hasnt been done.

So I shall focus on my studies right now and not think about other *useless* stuff. yup :/

so my birthday's almost over. Every year, it's not celebrated with much fanfare (partly cos it's in the middle of school holidays). I like it that way I guess. Just a simple meal with my family, some well wishes from friends...
haha at least I got a bday present today. From a friend. Finally. Thanks Anabelle! Card was even handwritten sia. naise.

so my birthday present will be the Galaxy S3 that's not out yet. Not bad I guess.

Still need to go school tmr. sigh. and havent really started on homework. Or studying for the tests coming up. psssh die liao

so it seems almost every guy has gone crazy once they go over to rj. So I'm gonna try to keep my sanity by focusing on my work, and ignore everything else. haha at least it's isn't as complicated for me as it is for some of my friends. Should I be thankful that I'm more of a thinking person so I don't get affected that easily by my feelings? no idea anymore.

Does it mean something if she seems to get prettier everytime I see her? My mind seems to be playing tricks on me...

overwhelmed by hmk and it's like the 2nd proper week of school. pffft. I'm not mixing well with my class at all. Still sticking to my OG and my RI friends... sigh it's like sec 1 all over again, just that you know a few ppl. RA's getting to me. so many stuff to do sian. guess I will just press on and hope for the best. last minute mugging for bioO...will it work?

no one sees the tears I have in my eyes. does anyone really understand me? Is what's happening to my life what I really want? Do they care?

/How do people remain so optimistic. "Keep a smile on your face and keep going", they always say. "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going".

Am I good enough? Or am I not? Things seem to get tougher as life goes on... "There's no free meal in this world", they say. "Aim for the stars". At least, you will hit the moon.

Life's complicated. It seems that lies told for a really long time, even to yourself, become real after a while. I will just keep on smiling, and press on. For my spirit will never be crushed.

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

haha shit now I just have to not lose faith in myself.

So I haven't blogged in a while. First two days in junior college was really boring...just full of talks which I feel is quite useless (at least right now).

I somehow got into biora. Never Really expected it, considering the sheer number of Bio ra from sec 4 trying for it again in j1. Don't really know if I made the right choice to enter biora though. It seems that the longer I stay in school, the higher chance there is that I end up in a class where I'm gonna get owned by everyone else in class and become last. Zzz. Why can't life just be a little easier for me(why must ppl be so smart?!) the girl who scored 294 for psle is also in biora. Talks about a tough year ahead man.

The programme for iGeo is finally starting. Excused from the first half of school on Monday. Not that I will miss anything.

Still have no idea what cca I should join. Service clubs? Entre? Or other random clubs like recas?

No idea. Now I have to really start to brush up on my geog and bio (not really brush up for bio, more like try to catch up with the rest of the class).

Ggfied.

On a side note, I don't really see how an iPad is all that useful. Used it to type this post out, and it's not really that enjoyable an experience (probably cos there isn't a proper blogger app for the iPad). It's user friendly, and easy to use, but without flash it's quite useless to watch vids. Let's just hope html5 gets adopted by sites soon. Plus I have to put everything in iTunes first before I can put it on the iPad. Ultra restrictive. Why can't it be open like android, but still user friendly? That would be tablets and phones I would buy.