Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself
standing in the hall of fame.

If only it were that easy. 

so little time and so much to do. Am I overloading myself? I finally feel liberated though. Maybe I'm starting to feel comfortable with this whole uni life thing that doesn't even in during the hols (4 projects, 7 books and 1 dissertation to think about wtf).

Jetlag is making me wake up at 5.30am and sleeping at like 12 midnight. And I'm using it as motivation to move my lazy ass to run around my neighbourhood. Hopefully I can keep it up. Like keeping up with my work. But hopefully I won't forget to keep up with the people around me too. I hate when you actually know that would be the last time you would probably contact someone.

Re-read my first few posts and I cringed. The weird thing was that I could actually hear my own voice in those posts. There's a certain though process, a certain consistency that can be found it these posts that traces my development.

I think too much. And yet I always feel behind in so many different areas. The lives of others are not perfect, but why do I feel that I'm using others as a point of reference in search of a meaning to my life?

It's 1.45am and I am posting on a blog nobody reads...

I don't think any of my friends even knke/remember about this blog. Which is awesome because it means I can post what I want. But it also makes me curious to see if anyone will eventually find out about this blog. Probably not.

If you lose a friend you care about because you are honest, it wasn't a good friend.

"What are your choices when someone puts a gun to your head?"

"What are you talking about? You do what they say or they shoot you."

"WRONG. You take the gun, or you pull out a bigger one. Or, you call their bluff. Or, you do any one of a hundred and forty six other things." - Harvey Specter, Suits. 

So many false dilemmas in the world which mislead us. But they disappear when we realise that we have so many choices if we just dare to be different. 

Too much on my mind, like I'm gonna drown soon sigh.

been having pretty elaborate dreams lately. I think I can write a novel as my second career.

Going for my first supervision tomorrow with my essay wrecked by her comments T.T

Need to get back to proper writing 

Found a renewed love for running. Can't run as fast as I could in army (actually a very long way from that), but running has always given me a sense of mortality. The struggled breaths, the aching of my muscles and fogging up of my glasses is something I encounter too little nowadays. 

It reminds me to do what I need to do and want to do, instead of just wasting my time away. It reminds me that life is a struggle, but willpower will allow me to pull through. It reminds me that in this long hard slog, there are always people that will come to my mind to push me on. I might not feature on theirs, but it is from them I will draw strength from. 

More importantly though, I need to burn some calories.

Rude. Why do I even bother

You can never forget someone or something that was the reason you smiled. I missed how we used to talk everyday, and how I was able to just open up so easily and say anything on my mind. But once you make a decision, you have to live with it, even if you may regret it.

Many people wish they didn't do or say certain things. I wish that I were better so it wouldn't happen that way.

There are always things in life that you wish didn't happen. But they make you who you are. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you I guess.

The right people will make time for you, and the wrong ones will just make excuses.

“There are times in our lives when we have to realize our past is precisely what it is, and we cannot change it. But we can change the story we tell ourselves about it, and by doing that, we can change the future.”
― Eleanor Brown

What matters is not what others think of you, but whether you can live with who you are. And since I can't with some parts of myself, I will change that and become a better person. 

I guess you only realise who is important when you leave huh. And it's even worse when you can't even speak to them anymore.

But I guess that's life. Choices you took because you felt they were the right ones come back to bite you once in a while. All because you weren't strong enough.

In the end, I'm just not good enough. Trying to always be a better person each day has always been my personal goal, but I seem to be lost with so many conflicting aims clouding my thinking.

I seem to be living a life of contradictions, but maybe it is gaining this awareness that is what people call 'growing up'.

I have flaws which I have long accepted as part of my personality, but that should never have been the case. How can such gross shortcomings be dismissed as part of my personality, a character trait when it clearly can be changed?

Trying so hard not to lose my temper. Just had a pretty great day and you came along and soured it. I'm sincere when I admit my faults, and I try to accept yours too, but you use that against me? Oh wow I'm so sorry I'm not perfect like you.

And if that's who you really are then I've totally misjudged you.

I guess it takes two hands to clap, and it's just really tough when the other party is so unenthusiastic about the whole thing.

Am I giving up too easily or wise in doing so? Guess I will never know. But sometimes things don't go your way and I need to accept that, instead of trying to get my way all the time.

maybe I'm being really harsh as always. sigh.

Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

beautiful.

Ambiguity only exists when you aren't clear about what you want.

I think sometimes it's good for me to stop fruitlessly thinking about possibilities and just accept the reality to stop torturing myself.

Life is pretty good when the server in your college's canteen takes pity on you and gives you double serving at half the price.

Seeing people around being stressed and unhappy sometimes makes me feel like I should be too. Maybe I'm slightly weird but exam time is sometimes the period when I'm quite happy.

Not because of the upcoming papers (that would really be insane) but more because I have a legitimate reason to have more 'me' time. Am I really such an introvert? hmm

I enjoy spending time with friends, but I'm perfectly fine staring at the computer alone trying to figure out what the heck some academic is trying to say in his/her words that seem to obfuscate.

I still don't get why people study in public places. How can you have 'me' time when others can look?!

Oh well. Guess I'm just weird.

Life's hard when professors do not have a clear writing style and yet publish books.

It's so funny how someone can become unimportant to you so easily
maybe it's because we constantly make conscious decisions who to surround ourselves with

and how easily others purposefully exclude you
probably because you aren't that important anyway

and how things that were once clear can become so vague in just an instant
perhaps it just wasn't meant to be

still hurts though.
no one said it wouldn't. Just because it felt like the right decision doesn't mean it wouldn't bite back. 

So we are back to where we were just a year ago. I guess I can't expect more from you anyway. You are flawed, and so am I, but don't make me responsible for your missteps.

That's just irresponsible.

But what can I expect anyway, from someone like you? I'm glad we aren't friends anymore (are we? I don't even know). There's only so much a person can take. And I'm tired of maintaining this stupid friendship with you being immature about every single problem that comes up.

I hate it that sometimes I do irrational things, and I find it hard to justify my actions, even decide what my next step would be.

But life isn't that simple anyway, is it? If I were able to break everything down and make decisions in a snap that would make it so much easier but I can't.

With every decision comes insecurity and fear. But each one I take also gives me hope.

And I love that.

It's funny how I can vote in the local Cambridge election but not back in Singapore.

It's when you travel that you see things from a different perspective. A deceptively disembodied one. One that seems to tell you who you are and who you aren't, and who the people who are travelling around you really are as well.

Because it's when you spend almost every waking moment with a person/some people that you finally understand that sometimes the fundamental things that a friendship is founded on can mean different to different people.

Some things I will never condone I have seen. Some things they do not they may have seen in me.

But it is through this that we grow. Through this that we are reminded no one is perfect, and misunderstandings only deepen when we avoid one another.

And sometimes, it is through this that you both realise you just don't click that well with each other.

Writing this while listening to a beautiful performance of Majula Singapura by the Singapore Symphony Orchestra.

It might be slightly controversial to say this, and I am still unprepared for a titan such as Lee Kuan Yew to go, Singapore's 50th birthday seems to be an apt time for him to.

He is the politician I respect the most. Not because of his tenacity or grit even when all seemed to go wrong, or even his charismatic speeches, but his willingness to change policy direction to suit the changing political and economic climate of the time.

It may seem oxymoronic to respect a politician for his changing views over the years, when most win votes by strongly campaigning for the relatively unchanging views of their supporters. But that is precisely why I think he is different from most. He knew that his own view, or even that of his core supporters sometimes didn't matter. What did was what was best for the country, to which he devoted his life too.

As we commemorate his life though, we cannot forget the team that has backed him all this while. Most of our founding fathers have passed away too, and LKY's death can almost be seen as the passing away of a generation that guided Singapore through its toughest times.

Being born in the mid 90s, into relative wealth, I cannot profess to understand all the past struggles that have in some ways defined our national psyche and mentality. That being said, I think we are in a much better position today to think about who we are and where we want to go.

When independence was thrust upon us, the main narrative was one of survival. While we are still extremely vulnerable in certain ways, it is a fact that we now have the opportunity to focus on the deeper questions.

I would hate for Singapore to decline in my generation. Something that my forefathers built will not be squandered away.

Is it too grand a dream for me to want to make Singapore the best place one can live in? Not just in terms of opulence, but vibrancy, comfort and safety. Maybe, but I think we have proven to the world we can achieve what everyone says we can't. We just have to prove them wrong once again. Just like he did.

I think that would be the ultimate tribute to him. RIP Mr Lee, and thank you for everything.

I'm learning so much here, but it's just so emotionally and mentally draining. It's as if they are trying to tell me to run a full marathon when all I've ever run are sprints.

Why is travelling so expensive?! I'm going to Prague, Budapest, Vienna, Lisbon and Rome though... guess you get what you pay.

And can't wait for my shiny 3ds xl to arrive! Come quickly thanks.

Joseph de Maistre - Every nation gets the government it deserves.

Are love songs popular because they evoke emotions and thoughts you already have, or because they delude you into thinking that what they are saying is true?

you left me paralyzed, no cure, no rehab for me

funny that you got the nerve to keep asking me

how I’ve been

you’re the victor in this pageantry

but the only trophy you deserve, catastrophe

I’d rather we be dead to each other

no eulogies said for each other

no “rest in peace”s

the memories got my chest in pieces

I’m praying that your eyes are the first to go

the way they looked when you smiled

the way they opened and closed

and your nose, every single breath against my neck

and then your lips, every empty promise made and said

please fade, fade to black

please fade, fade to black

The euphoric moment when you borrow a book from the library which was only published a month ago and arrived at the library just yesterday.

I've been thinking quite a bit these days. Sitting alone in a room with books by your side and a quiet environment seems to encourage cognition. 

I've been thinking about the ephemerality of human relationships, and by extension, of life itself. The people I interact with now, should I endeavour to make them be comfortable with me, even when I know that I probably will not meet or talk to them again after a few years? Or is this mindset a crippling one, one that is affecting my daily interactions with others? 

Life is a curious thing. One way or another, whether by a higher being's providence or a random accumulation of events, we have been given the gift or indeed burden of the ability to think, and attach meaning to objects, whether material or not. And we have been particularly good at that, except for life itself.

After all, isn't life fleeting? It has been 4.6 billion years since Earth came to be, yet it has only been 19 since I have first breathed. And in the next 70-80 odd years that I have left, I have to learn to be content with what I have or have accomplished (or will), and risk leaving the world without the satisfaction that I have in my mind achieved at least part of my goals.

I have been watching the Game of Thrones recently, and what struck me the most out of all the houses was the Lannisters. The head of the house is so obsessed with legacy and family because 'that's all that's left once you're dead'. So is that what we should aim towards? Or is it to serve a higher purpose, to defend the weak, help the needy, solve world hunger, manipulate and manoeuvre towards world peace? 

Why should it matter what others think of you or your family once you are dead anyway? You will not be able to tell who is singing praises and who isn't. 

Hence, if life is temporary, and probably devoid of a 'true' meaning, does that mean it is meaningless, useless, and instead, we might as well delve into our hedonistic tendencies and forget anything else? Why should I help my country become more prosperous? So that I and my loved ones can enjoy the fruits of my labour in our short and temporary lives? Or for the sake of my children (if I do have any)? In fact, why should anyone help anyone else? Why would anyone?

Is it because we are 'programmed' by our genes to be predisposed to do so? For it increases the chances of our own survival, and our self-defined group as well? Or is it due to societal pressure, or as Foucault put it, the micro-physics of power?

I was reading this speech that has been shared countless of times in social media and mainstream media by Bilahari Kausikan, on how it is imperative to Singapore's survival that we remain extraordinarily successful. One of my friend commented that he is one of the more honest people in Singapore, and that his speech was clear and insightful. 

I think it was beautifully written. But is it really the honest truth? Singapore is a small country with little resources, but has more options that other because of its current world standing and relative economic weight, as the narrative goes. 

It is always easy to find oneself agreeing to such simple, hard-to-refute deductions. I find myself guilty most of the times as well. But did my friend praise him as honest because he gave us the reality of our situation, or that he was merely honest with his own view of the world? Ultimately, objects, terms and phrases only mean what people make of it. 

As in Derridan Deconstructionism, meaning can only come from a context, and this context is itself 'an open structure'. It is defined by social relations, perhaps long-standing naturalised understandings of that particular context, or perhaps even the imagination (does imagination and originality exist?) of people. 

Coming full circle, if tomorrow the whole world agrees that life's meaning is to be free from the addiction of  oxygen, carbon dioxide and water, does that mean that only death can give life meaning? Does that follow too, that meaning and context are what we ourselves define it?

I think I've asked too many poorly thought-out and worded questions tonight. I shall get back to my books and to a more manageable set of questions.

First time travelling over 6800 miles alone. Kinda liberating really, with no one to tell me what to do, no one that I need to wait for to catch up, and no one to bear the burden of my navigational mistakes. The feeling of freedom was fleeting but so precious. I think I will have to go on a trip by myself soon haha.

I've been having mixed feelings coming back to Cambridge. I think I just don't fit in that well with the crowd here (on that note, have I ever in any other environment?). It's as if I have not rested enough and here I am on an 8 week crash course on how inadequate my knowledge is. haiz.