We must succeed,
no we must be happy,
no we must succeed,
no we must be happy. 

2015 was a great year. The greatest ups and downs I've had over the past few years were things I experienced in such a short span of time.

In 2015,  I've studied harder than in any year before. Any resolution to stop doing so much just for a piece of paper flew out of the window when it came to the crunch. I don't know if I'm a masochist or a perfectionist. Maybe they aren't mutually exclusive.

In 2015, it paid off, but there isn't much to say about it really. In the end, it is just because of my pride? That I'm too proud to be second, to lose to someone, that I strive hard even when it really does not matter at all?

Yet if that's the case, why am I so hesitant, so incompetent in other fields? Why am I not able to express my feelings to someone even if I think they are one of the few people I trust (or trusted at least)? Why do I shirk my responsibilities so often, blowing them off because they 'aren't worth my time'?

In 2015, I've visited many places this year travelling with so many different people. I don't even know if travelling is a pointless luxury something I do because I can, or because it actually broadens my horizons (what a cliché). I  visited Prague, Budapest, Vienna, Lisbon, Rome, Cinque Terre, Pisa, Genoa, Milan, many different parts of Kenya, Hong Kong, most of Hokkaido, Munich, Salzburg, Leipzig, Nice, Bordeaux and Lyon.

In 2015, I've travelled with 9 different groups of people in a year. And yet I have little to show for it other than some good photos (and many bad ones) and faint memories of what I've done.

Probably time to rethink the whole eat sleep travel mindset.

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In 2015, I finally understood what it means to not know how much something/someone means to you until you lose it/him/her/them.

I don't want to admit it, but I am a cowardly fool when it comes to these things. Is it that hard to say what you want to say and disregard how the other person might react? If it wasn't meant to be anyway, what's wrong with a little honesty? That's totally something I need to work on too.

Is it possible to be heartbroken losing something you never had? I guess that's just me being a presumptuous prick heh.

There are few things I regret in the year. I regret being such a sloth (really though, my body's surprisingly not in such a bad shape). I regret copping up in my room just for two 3h exams, that was a crappy way of spending like four weeks.

I regret not remembering what you said on the bus, distracted because I'm nervous around you. I regret purposely walking too quickly because I was annoyed you were late, and chiding myself when I heard you sigh. I regret being irrational, getting angry about things that didn't matter. I regret being 5000 km away when all I really wanted was to spend time with you.

But I do not regret sleeping at 2am because of our conversations. I do not regret spending hours just to agree on where to meet. I do not regret those few meetings.

Perhaps that was the last time we will meet. After all, I don't think I have the courage to contact you again.

You probably will never read this, but I really hope I see you again. And if I don't, thank you and good bye.