It's the loneliest people that are the kindest, and the saddest people that have the biggest smiles.

I must be strong mentally to face the challenges ahead. Not allowed to break down here. No way.

wishlist: Orient Symphony with black dial. Why are you so hard to find tsk

week 6 blues. culture. why. you. so. amorphous. and. hard. to. comprehend. argh.

Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I have sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

so that's how it feels when you aren't reciprocated. Guess it's time to start basing my decisions on logic again instead of my irrational fickle feelings.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I'll remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

It has been nearly 24 days since I've been in the UK, and around 10 since I'm living alone. Life isn't as great as I imagined it to be, but not as bad as my worst nightmares were either.

It seems like the government is paying an exorbitant amount for me to study on my own though haha. I guess I will only really learn when the professor tells me how bad my essay is in my supervision next week.

I also need to learn how to cook. Can't keep surviving on instant noodles :/

Workload isn't that bad, but getting heavier each day. I thought university is when I can finally slack. sighhhh chose the wrong uni for that. Cambridge why must overwork your students...

T - 9 hours to lift off. Here we go!

Finally met you again. No one reads this blog and it's even more unlikely that you will, so being the cowardly me I shall write what I wanted to say to you all this while here, instead of gathering the courage to say it when we were face to face.

You were like a breath of fresh air when I first saw you. I imagine you rolling your eyes and saying 'lame' after reading this but it's true. Maybe I'm romanticising vague, rose-tinted memories but indulge me while I reminisce.

You were my first new friend in a new environment. A place that seemed so foreign to me, but with you it was a little warmer, and little more cheerful. Bubbly and easy going, you made me feel comfortable and welcomed. You talked to me while I sat there mostly silent, not because I was bored of your company but being the awkward me I just didn't know what to say.

We drifted apart and talked less and less because the stupid me was unwilling to invest time into a friendship I should have cherished more.

I didn't ask for a photo, because I felt that you should be left in my memories unaltered as something precious I hold dear.

I didn't say goodbye, but see you instead, in the hope that we would meet again. But as soon as our paths split, I felt a sense of finality, a sense that this might be the last time I would meet you.

As we depart for different places hurtling towards our separate futures, I just want to say thank you for everything. What you said to me or did with me are things you probably do not remember, but I will.

I would have sent you off if I wasn't going off on the same day. I didn't even ask you for your skype id, so contacting each other will probably be quite improbable. It's probably better this way anyway.

In any case, I wish you all the best.

As the day of departure draws closer, I'm feeling more and more empty. I don't know why but I don't really feel that excited to go to a new environment, a new place to live. One of my friends, Blim shared with me that he felt the same way. Though I guess it was because he went through the full 2 years of NS first.

I must have skipped past the first phase of euphoria really quickly haha. I still remember being extremely happy when I got my acceptance letter, but then it tapered off. Or it can be because I have never been terribly excited about a new school before...

In any case, a new school, a new country, and a new life. Ahhh nerve wracking

Just over 2 weeks before I leave the country for a while. It's still pretty surreal to me, the fact that I actually got the opportunity to do so. I think half my JC life I convinced myself I would be one of those in NUS doing medicine or law or some other conventional subject. 

I am just another ordinary person. Or am I? Being a third/fourth generation Singaporean makes me one of the unique few ethnic Chinese who use English as my first language in history. I live in a country that's 49 years old, younger than my parents. 

I spend a fair bit of time using the internet, even though only around 2.8 billion people in this world have access to it currently. I live in an age where products I order online come within a week, or a few days if I fork out more. 

But am I unique? Am I distinct? I think in history no other person had my name and lived exactly the way I did or have so far. 

I mean I have wrote in different applications how different I am, why I should be selected. It's not like nobody in this world think geography is somewhat relevant and important though. 

What determines who gets in, and who goes out? Despite having been part of a committee that conducted interviews and tried to make the best decisions I still have no idea. And that's with people I've seen for 3 years. Imagine meeting someone for the first time, maybe for 30 mins, and making a decision. Or worse, just reading what he wrote or what he submitted.

Just be yourself. Just write who you really are. The problem with that advice is that I think most people do not really know who they are. To be so self assured is something I still cannot grapple with. Is that not just the effect of cognitive dissonance, when one has told the same lie over and over again until it became the truth?

I digress. In the end being unique isn't that important anyway. Ultimately, you just have to convince others you are special is a certain way, a way that may be minor but till edges you ahead of the competition.

I guess my university admissions counsellor summed it up well. You may not think you are unique, but to someone living in the western world, a Singaporean living in a public flat that's actually pretty good, in a absurdly young nation that have one of the world's highest living standards (though quality of life is up to debate), speaks the lingua franca of the world pretty well and probably has a work ethic that beats the one most of their local students have, is quite special.

It's too easy to settle into a life of mediocrity. It's just so... comfortable and worry-free. No need to fret over your performance about anything, because you are mediocre at whatever you are doing anyway.

But it isn't something I want to settle in. Is it just me, or human nature to always want more from yourself? I keep telling myself that it's time to do something productive, but I always procrastinate.

Time's running out. Need to get back into the right frame of mind for the months and years ahead in a new organisation and a new country, and above all, being out of my comfort zone.

Don't know if I will like it over there, but at 19 it's probably one of the best times to take a leap of faith, the first of many to come.

This week hasn't been such a great one for me. Don't know why I keep getting annoyed by my section mates, who move too bloody slow and we end up always being last in the company to do anything, such as for meals and all. It's not like I'm a person that always chiongs; I'm lazy too. Though I still can't help but get annoyed at people who have a serious lack of efficiency. Oh well.

Got my letter that more or less seals my future for the next 10 years. Got the letter that told me explicitly I got rejected from med. At least it's closure, no more need for me to second guess if I'm on the waiting list or what not.

It was disappointing really. I did my best trying to get into med school, going for an internship to find out what life's like, researching on it, and writing my personal statement as honestly as possible. I think sometimes life just doesn't let you have what you want.

Although I don't really know (and I never will) if med school was what I wanted in the first place. I still remember how focussed I was on going overseas on a scholarship just before the interview for the scholarship, and how elated I was when I got it. I think it's part of my personality, always yearning for something else. So fickle minded as always haha

I think the result for med school was disappointing not only because I didn't get in, but more importantly because people I think deserved to didn't and people I think didn't deserve to did. Although I'm not qualified to judge who will be a good doctor in the future, there are still some people whom I will never ask for a diagnosis if I were to fall ill. They just seem too unreliable for such a profession.

That being said, what's done is done. Life is still never about one's choices alone, for others will determine your future along the way. Fight for your dreams, only if your are lucky enough that people help you fulfil them (sounds soooooo depressing but somewhat true I think).

Anyway, I'm more or less set on going to the UK to study this year. Don't know if I can handle studying at Cambridge alone. Guess I have no choice though. Time to start excelling once more after wasting away in army. That brings me to my thoughts on NS, though that's a post for another day.

Can't help but think that I'm spending my precious free time wrongly. Time to focus on my priorities, not be distracted and utilise it better.

I think one of the most applicable things being in the army teaches you is to really treasure time you have to yourself. Time is passing so quickly as I catch a breather at home. sigh.

Finally declined the offers from Berkeley and UCLA. It's kinda weird for me to click those buttons on the screens, because questions like "what if I enrolled?" kept popping up in my mind. Guess I'm just not fated to go to those unis. 

Things are going slightly than I expected just over a year ago. Fretting over As, unis, SATs, internships, interviews and all that other stuff seem so distant now. I think luck plays a huge role in this is so called success, but I believe learning from my failures was more important.

I guess jc life wasn't as smooth sailing as in secondary school, and I had my fair share of disappointments. It's quite crushing when you see yourself doing such a bad job and you feel so helpless because you don't know how to improve. I guess that's why people feel sad (if not for me at least). The sadness does not come from the outcome, but from not knowing why it happened when you think you have done your best.

But that's just part of the learning process in life. It is this sadness that makes us keep trying, or crush us badly until we eventually get back up. It is because of this that I kept reflecting on my own actions, and asked others on how to improve. Most advice I received was utter rubbish, but separating the chaff from the wheat is another life skill I needed to hone anyway I guess. 

Life is a marathon, you may start off earlier, or at a faster pace, but ultimately where you end up depends on how long you want to keep running. So is the key to keep running, even when your running technique is not optimum, or to continuously search for the best method of running, even if it slows you down in the short term, so that you have chance of ending up further away from the start point in the end? I don't know. I'm just 19. Guess I will just keep running at my own pace, and stick to my own goals and principles, and not care about what others do, whether they are overtaking me or not, for they do not and will not affect how I live my life.

Except in army though. For it is a desolate place that takes away freedom from people at the prime of their lives, who could be out there in the world doing so much more.

So postings were out a few days ago, and as with everything else, some people are sad because of their fate, and others elated. It's such an arbitrary thing really, something most of us have little control of, given the multitude of factors in play. Yet people still blame themselves (and others) when things do not go their way.

It's always slightly heartbreaking for me when friends tell me they are sad about what happened. I feel helpless. I have little clue on how to help them, for I am a mere naive 19 year old. In the end, it's always the same few clichéd words or phrases that get repeated. I don't know if I'm really helping them, or even consoling them. 

Ah well. Sometimes we shouldn't take it so hard on ourselves when things don't go our way. But maybe I'm too accustomed to personal success (I think I've had my fair share over the years) that I do not know the full repercussions of that mindset.

In the end, I am personally happy with my posting. Other may not be, my dad included, but it doesn't matter I guess. It's not like I live to please others anyway. I just need to live up to my own expectations, and that's good enough for me.

How can you see the big picture if you aren't even part of it?

Incoherent, random thoughts

Don't know why I'm starting to worry about the future of Singapore, and of the world. The writings of people who worry or worried more than me about what will happen in the future is affecting me I guess. Isn't it naive to believe that the financial system, which currently runs on "trust" in governments, and creates wealth through speculation will continue as per normal in the foreseeable future?


It has been said that being a progressive is always the way to go. A conservative is one who attempts to safeguard tenets of society that one deems relevant, but those which progressives what to change or in their words, improve.


But how much can one do if the dominant governing principles of the current state of civilisation are about to be changed? Am I to stand aside and observe the collapse, or try to safeguard where I come from, or embrace the change and try to lead the path into the unknown?


I believe I am a reformist, someone who believes that constant change is beneficial to society and must be encouraged, whether top down or bottom up or both. Yet being one scares me now. The magnitude of the current situation is being overshadowed by too many petty concerns, mine included.


Even if I do try to enter policy work, is this something I will be able to change? Or will be subsumed into the "elite" of society, and forget the concerns in my mind now and focus on the more minor issues? Is there even any point in me worrying? Aren't individuals powerless in the face of "historical forces", as analysed by certain schools of history?


The end of the arc of capitalism, the state of the environment... I don't know. This is too much for a naive 19 year old to understand.


'No need to rush; the end of the world is only the end of the world as you know it.' - Mark Strand


Time to prepare for a new world, I guess. Don't know if others, or I, will be ready enough for it though.

BMT is almost over. Nothing much to say about it really, other than that I met a bunch of really awesome people and got to do many things I never thought I would (e.g. shouting rather funnily during bcct). Everything has a closure, as my dad always says, and BMT is no exception.

 In the next few weeks, what I decide to do will determine how I spend the rest of my life. Haiz. Why must I decide on my future at such a young age? I guess having a choice is not a bad thing, but how to make the right choice is a different matter altogether.

As usual I'm not being very coherent with my thoughts. I think I need some downtime to myself to reflect, but army isn't really the ideal place for that.

Oh well. Life goes on, whether or not you are living it to the fullest.