Just over 2 weeks before I leave the country for a while. It's still pretty surreal to me, the fact that I actually got the opportunity to do so. I think half my JC life I convinced myself I would be one of those in NUS doing medicine or law or some other conventional subject. 

I am just another ordinary person. Or am I? Being a third/fourth generation Singaporean makes me one of the unique few ethnic Chinese who use English as my first language in history. I live in a country that's 49 years old, younger than my parents. 

I spend a fair bit of time using the internet, even though only around 2.8 billion people in this world have access to it currently. I live in an age where products I order online come within a week, or a few days if I fork out more. 

But am I unique? Am I distinct? I think in history no other person had my name and lived exactly the way I did or have so far. 

I mean I have wrote in different applications how different I am, why I should be selected. It's not like nobody in this world think geography is somewhat relevant and important though. 

What determines who gets in, and who goes out? Despite having been part of a committee that conducted interviews and tried to make the best decisions I still have no idea. And that's with people I've seen for 3 years. Imagine meeting someone for the first time, maybe for 30 mins, and making a decision. Or worse, just reading what he wrote or what he submitted.

Just be yourself. Just write who you really are. The problem with that advice is that I think most people do not really know who they are. To be so self assured is something I still cannot grapple with. Is that not just the effect of cognitive dissonance, when one has told the same lie over and over again until it became the truth?

I digress. In the end being unique isn't that important anyway. Ultimately, you just have to convince others you are special is a certain way, a way that may be minor but till edges you ahead of the competition.

I guess my university admissions counsellor summed it up well. You may not think you are unique, but to someone living in the western world, a Singaporean living in a public flat that's actually pretty good, in a absurdly young nation that have one of the world's highest living standards (though quality of life is up to debate), speaks the lingua franca of the world pretty well and probably has a work ethic that beats the one most of their local students have, is quite special.

It's too easy to settle into a life of mediocrity. It's just so... comfortable and worry-free. No need to fret over your performance about anything, because you are mediocre at whatever you are doing anyway.

But it isn't something I want to settle in. Is it just me, or human nature to always want more from yourself? I keep telling myself that it's time to do something productive, but I always procrastinate.

Time's running out. Need to get back into the right frame of mind for the months and years ahead in a new organisation and a new country, and above all, being out of my comfort zone.

Don't know if I will like it over there, but at 19 it's probably one of the best times to take a leap of faith, the first of many to come.

This week hasn't been such a great one for me. Don't know why I keep getting annoyed by my section mates, who move too bloody slow and we end up always being last in the company to do anything, such as for meals and all. It's not like I'm a person that always chiongs; I'm lazy too. Though I still can't help but get annoyed at people who have a serious lack of efficiency. Oh well.

Got my letter that more or less seals my future for the next 10 years. Got the letter that told me explicitly I got rejected from med. At least it's closure, no more need for me to second guess if I'm on the waiting list or what not.

It was disappointing really. I did my best trying to get into med school, going for an internship to find out what life's like, researching on it, and writing my personal statement as honestly as possible. I think sometimes life just doesn't let you have what you want.

Although I don't really know (and I never will) if med school was what I wanted in the first place. I still remember how focussed I was on going overseas on a scholarship just before the interview for the scholarship, and how elated I was when I got it. I think it's part of my personality, always yearning for something else. So fickle minded as always haha

I think the result for med school was disappointing not only because I didn't get in, but more importantly because people I think deserved to didn't and people I think didn't deserve to did. Although I'm not qualified to judge who will be a good doctor in the future, there are still some people whom I will never ask for a diagnosis if I were to fall ill. They just seem too unreliable for such a profession.

That being said, what's done is done. Life is still never about one's choices alone, for others will determine your future along the way. Fight for your dreams, only if your are lucky enough that people help you fulfil them (sounds soooooo depressing but somewhat true I think).

Anyway, I'm more or less set on going to the UK to study this year. Don't know if I can handle studying at Cambridge alone. Guess I have no choice though. Time to start excelling once more after wasting away in army. That brings me to my thoughts on NS, though that's a post for another day.

Can't help but think that I'm spending my precious free time wrongly. Time to focus on my priorities, not be distracted and utilise it better.

I think one of the most applicable things being in the army teaches you is to really treasure time you have to yourself. Time is passing so quickly as I catch a breather at home. sigh.

Finally declined the offers from Berkeley and UCLA. It's kinda weird for me to click those buttons on the screens, because questions like "what if I enrolled?" kept popping up in my mind. Guess I'm just not fated to go to those unis. 

Things are going slightly than I expected just over a year ago. Fretting over As, unis, SATs, internships, interviews and all that other stuff seem so distant now. I think luck plays a huge role in this is so called success, but I believe learning from my failures was more important.

I guess jc life wasn't as smooth sailing as in secondary school, and I had my fair share of disappointments. It's quite crushing when you see yourself doing such a bad job and you feel so helpless because you don't know how to improve. I guess that's why people feel sad (if not for me at least). The sadness does not come from the outcome, but from not knowing why it happened when you think you have done your best.

But that's just part of the learning process in life. It is this sadness that makes us keep trying, or crush us badly until we eventually get back up. It is because of this that I kept reflecting on my own actions, and asked others on how to improve. Most advice I received was utter rubbish, but separating the chaff from the wheat is another life skill I needed to hone anyway I guess. 

Life is a marathon, you may start off earlier, or at a faster pace, but ultimately where you end up depends on how long you want to keep running. So is the key to keep running, even when your running technique is not optimum, or to continuously search for the best method of running, even if it slows you down in the short term, so that you have chance of ending up further away from the start point in the end? I don't know. I'm just 19. Guess I will just keep running at my own pace, and stick to my own goals and principles, and not care about what others do, whether they are overtaking me or not, for they do not and will not affect how I live my life.

Except in army though. For it is a desolate place that takes away freedom from people at the prime of their lives, who could be out there in the world doing so much more.

So postings were out a few days ago, and as with everything else, some people are sad because of their fate, and others elated. It's such an arbitrary thing really, something most of us have little control of, given the multitude of factors in play. Yet people still blame themselves (and others) when things do not go their way.

It's always slightly heartbreaking for me when friends tell me they are sad about what happened. I feel helpless. I have little clue on how to help them, for I am a mere naive 19 year old. In the end, it's always the same few clichéd words or phrases that get repeated. I don't know if I'm really helping them, or even consoling them. 

Ah well. Sometimes we shouldn't take it so hard on ourselves when things don't go our way. But maybe I'm too accustomed to personal success (I think I've had my fair share over the years) that I do not know the full repercussions of that mindset.

In the end, I am personally happy with my posting. Other may not be, my dad included, but it doesn't matter I guess. It's not like I live to please others anyway. I just need to live up to my own expectations, and that's good enough for me.

How can you see the big picture if you aren't even part of it?